Mary Sue: Lather, Rinse, Repeat
by kyabetsu
Summary: A fiction about human nature, the laws of causality, basic physics, and general common sense.
1. Attempt 001:

_Kya Says:_

_My apologies to anyone this offends. That's a great way to start a fiction, isn't it? _

_This is NOT edited. NOT aimed at any particular story. NOT parodying any particular character. NOT intended to mock any author. _

_Having said THAT… I have no rights, legal or otherwise, to the TMNT. I make no money off of this. I will never publish it formally and receive no publicity or kickbacks from it._

_It just makes me laugh. I'm still working on my serious fictions… really. _

* * *

**Attempt Number: 001**

Mary Sue stepped off the bus into the summer sun. She tossed her head back and let a warm breeze caress her loose red hair that fanned around her flaming waves. Her sundress fit her slender frame like a glove, showing just the right amount of cleavage and flowing in loose modesty around her hips and down just above her knees. She clutched the leather sack that held all her worldly possessions, knowing that a new life awaited her here.

Smiling, she silently greeted NEW YORK CITY. There had to be a future for her here. Even if the bus station sat in a dirty and desolate section of town. She was only 16, but she was as tough as she was determined!

Mary Sue squared her shoulders and marched right out the bus station doors and was stabbed by a homeless man hopped up on PCP.

She bled to death waiting for an ambulance.

**Attempt Number 001: FAILURE. **

**Lesson Number 001:** It's the "Bad Section of Town" for a reason.

* * *

Meanwhile, back at the lair…

Leonardo folded his arms. There was no budging him now, and Michaelangelo knew it. "C'mon, Bro! How was I supposed ta know the tub'd fill up that fast?" Mike shifted his weight from one foot to the other. Leonardo's glare hadn't lessened. "Heh… it was an honest mistake, Leo. I was gonna get _right back_ ta it. I just wanted ta have somethin' ta drink… and Don asked me ta help him with stuff… and Raph had the_ best_ TV show on and…" Mikey wrung his hands. "C'mon, Leo! I know I shouldn'ta put the bubble bath in right away, but ya _gotta_ get over it!"

Leonardo rolled his eyes with an exasperated sigh. "I'll get over it as soon as you clean out my room and get me new carpeting! My room is flooded and smells like bubble bath!"

Mike grinned sheepishly. "There are worst things it could smell like…"

"Get to cleaning, Mike."


	2. Attempt 002:

_Thank you, **Cynlee** and **ReluctantDragon**! It's always a good feeling to get reviews. Especially reviews that give me warm fuzzies. Though, for the record, even if they were sphinx-like riddles typed in as reviews, I would cherish them because that meant you at least clicked on the same PAGE as my story to give me that review. …But yeah. No riddles. Excellent. I won't loose sleep tonight…_

_eh-hem. Sorry. I just meant to say, "Thank you for reading!"_

_In answer to Cynlee, the GOAL is to update at least 4 times a week on this one. It's pretty laid back…and I can't really look you guys in the eye and tell you there's some kind of phenomenal PLOT hiding in this fic… but hopefully it'll make y'all laugh and you'll come back._

_So, that's a biiiig "YES" to Reluctant Dragon. There will be more. In fact, here it goes:_

* * *

**Attempt Number 002:**

Mary Sue stepped off the TRAIN into the summer sun. The platforms between the trains lay under a heavy layer of soot and dirt, but the pigeons made happy coo-ings as they flew into the station hanger. Walking briskly with the commuters and tourists, Mary Sue entered the well-lit train terminal and breathed a sigh of relief.

She had made it! New York, New York! Clutching her leather sack of worldly possessions, the slim red-head in her Sunday best stared all around her in awe. She would start a new life here. This place called to her and whispered promises true love and perfect happiness.

With a cautious mind to her surroundings, Mary Sue hailed a ride. She put her leather bag inside and climbed into the car. The gentleman behind the wheel smiled and locked the doors. Beautiful Mary sat in the back until the car stopped at the driver's apartment, where she was subdued and locked in his basement.

She survived for a month. She probably wished she hadn't.

**Attempt Number 002: FAILURE.**

**Lesson Number 002:** Always check for a posted taxi-license before entering a cab.

* * *

Meanwhile, back at the lair… 

"Aw, c'mon! You fixed it fer a reason!" Raphael vented his frustration with both volume and angry gestures. "Look. I know ya don't trus' me not ta break crap. Fine. But this is jus' gonna sit here until me an' Mike break it." Raphael's logic did nothing to comfort Donatello.

"How does that convince me to take a rest from doing what I enjoy to play against you—who just admitted he plans to break the game anyways!" Donatello looked up from the computer in front of him, equally frustrated.

Raphael leaned on the edge of Don's desk, forcing everything on the desk to scoot to the right. Don frowned and tried to push the papers back out of his way. "Look. You like logic. It goes like this. That thing you fixed, it's fer playin' on. Everythin' that gets played with in this place breaks—not always cause'a me—but every last anything you make fer us ta have fun with ends up in bits. We have a good time doin' it. Every time that happens, you git pissed an' sulk an' we don't get no more toys fer a while. Let's get ridda the bit in the middle where you get pissed. If you were ta break yer own toy, my butt don't get in trouble, AND you've had a good time."

Donatello looked uncertain.

"Come on, Donnie. If you don't, I swear, I'll break it by myself."

Donatello rolled his eyes, but grinned. "Fine, Raphael. We'll play foosball… but I've got the red team."


	3. Attempt 003:

_Thank you, **Cynlee, ReluctantDragon, Reinbeauchaser, Mickis, Aaron Smiley, SassyBlonde, Ramica, and Skeletoncrew**! Wow. Your group is growing! Heh. I'm concerned that my author's notes will become longer than the chapters. Que sera, sera I guess. But yes**, THANK YOU.**_

_To address some concerns/questions/squinty-frowns-and-head-scratching…_

_Over all? Yes. This will be a series of vignettes in which Mary Sue takes reality to the face like a cream pie. I'm sure she won't always end up dead, but she's a stubborn thing and I'm sure she'll survive being "RESET" every chapter. Her goal is to eventually meet the turtles and have her Mary-Sue-ish way with them… which will ALSO result in some sharp, stinging beatings with the "CLUE" bat. It'll be fun._

_HOWEVER… I can't have a tmnt fanfiction with 5+ chapters of Mary Sue dying on public transit. This is where the turtle bits come in. They're exactly what it says: "Meanwhile… Back at the LAIR." I.E. While Mary Sue was being knifed? Mike flooded the bathroom. While Mary Sue was being tormented in a basement? Raph got Don to play foosball. The scenes make a kind of light-hearted note to end the chapters on—a peek into a "moment in the lives of"—and a stark contrast with Mary Sue's horrible mishaps. There is a happy family SOMEWHERE in the city—but they're not psychic. …Unlike Mary Sue, who might be, but is none-the-less, up a creek without a proverbial paddle._

_This is supposed to be fluff—and so, I do hope you'll forgive me for not linking turtle scenes together. They're just living their lives. And my editor will KILL me if I try another serious story with the Hanami-re-write in the works AND with that Dead Voltage piece I'm STILL GONNA WRITE ((please don't give up on me!)) with Meira-Bates. PeasnCarrots will ride again! Really. but yeah. Since I don't want my head on a stick by my editor's desk, don't think too hard. I'm not being clever. The turtle scenes are just the guys being guys._

_Again, thank you for reading! Thanks TWICE if you reviewed too! ;) PHEW, on with the story!_

* * *

**Attempt Number 003:**

A willowy girl with hair of an autumnal hue waited in line at the airport. Mary Sue sighed with mixed hope and regret. She had sworn that she would get out of this small town! Nothing would hold her back. Not her parents. Not her traumatic past. Not even the price of an airplane ticket! She clutched the paper lunch bag that held all that remained of what she had once owned.

Mary Sue bit her lower lip, a solitary tear welled in her emerald eyes, and she wiped it away with a single, tapered finger. She knew that an airline ticket would cost her dearly. Just this morning, she had pawned her mother's locket, her grandfather's gold pocket watch, her dead father's handkerchief, her beloved family dog, her little sister, and her entire CD collection. She burned with loss! However, she now clutched every penny she could lay her hands on in her change purse. She had no time to mourn the past. Her path would take her through the skies to New York City. She would begin there afresh, and live a new life of utter bliss.

Mary Sue stepped up to the clerk, presented her ID, and was promptly told that a ticket to New York City would run $387.23 thanks to the rising price of gas.

Unable to pay, and equally unable to abandon her dreams, Mary Sue burst into impassioned speech. Surely the soulless corporation could afford for one person to fly at a discounted rate! She had sold her LIFE to get to New York City. She would pay them everything she had, but please, please, PLEASE she begged, let her go to New York!

The attendant flatly refused her offer of $30 for a plane ticket and called her parents. Mary Sue was grounded for the next 15 years for selling the family dog.

**Attempt Number 003: FAILURE**

**Lesson Number 003: **Call ahead for ticket prices.

* * *

Meanwhile, back at the lair… 

"Leo? Can't you sleep?" Donatello closed the door to his lab for the night. The clock read past 2 A.M, Don usually had the lair to himself at this hour. Donatello yawned hugely.

"Hm? Oh, I'm tired, but I'm not sleepy—if that makes any sense." Leonardo looked over the back of the sofa before turning back towards the television. The volume had been muted, and Donatello couldn't help but wonder what Leo had found to watch at 2AM on a weekday night. He wandered over.

"So," Don bit back another yawn. "Whatcha watchin?"

"ESPN 2. Tahitian towel wrestling."

"This I gotta see." Donatello hopped over the back of the sofa and joined Leonardo. A few moments passed in silence before Donatello piped up. "The next time Raph flushes the toilet while I'm in the shower, I'm totally gonna use this."

Leonardo nodded in agreement as he watched the wrestlers wield the cloth as a weapon. "S'what I was thinking too."


	4. Attempt 004:

_Thank you, **Kar, Artykidd, Aaron Smiley, Sassyblonde, Cynlee, Reluctant Dragon,** and** Reinbeauchaser**! Still hanging in there, huh? I'm glad that the last author's note helped. I haven't seen Ms. S s s 979 in a while, Sassy. Maybe if you see R-Turtleninja-R around you can ask her. Hrm… Aaron? If you have trouble finding pawn shops that accept children, there is a more, um, messy alternative. Kids fetch a nice price when sold by the pound. ;P Reinbeauchaser, I'm so sorry I was updating late in the day, you see, I work two jobs. Often times my only chance to write comes at weird hours of the night._

_ANYWAYS… Onwards!_

* * *

**Attempt Number 004:**

Mary Sue desperately needed to get to New York City. The Big Apple beckoned her and pulled at her soul! She had read the course of her life in the heavens: stars shining and smiling at her. Through her psychic connection with the constellations, the stars danced and flitted through her consciousness, whispering of the joys she would know when she set foot within the New York City limits. She spoke to them, pleading for more guidance. They answered with the song of the night sky: twinkling, spiraling, and chanting her name. Hauntingly, the refrain called to her, and she joined her crystal tones with the choir of constellations. Her voice rang out—beyond compare with any other singing voice in the world. It made the stars weep and birds follow her. Even the winds would calm to better hear her liquid cascade of notes. She and the stars, together in perfect harmony!

A dockworker found a mumbling Mary Sue in the cargo hold of a freight ship harbored in New York City. She had stowed away and was delirious with dehydration from 6 days at sea. He called an ambulance, but it was far too late. Mary Sue died as a shriveled 'Jane Doe' in a NYC hospital.

**Attempt Number 004: FAILURE**

**Lesson Number 004:** Always pack potable water for sea travel.

* * *

Meanwhile, back in the lair… 

Raphael looked both ways out the kitchen door. Nothing stirred along the hallway. Keyboard clacking ticked faintly from Donatello's lab. The rapid-fire thuds from the dojo meant that Leo was working the speed bag. Raphael heard nothing to locate Splinter by, but since his sensei shouldn't give him any trouble, he ducked back into the kitchen and retrieved his precious cargo.

Michaelangelo squinted through crusted eyes at the light shining in through his doorway. The box of Kleenex on his bedside table blocked his view and he ached too much to sit up. "Who'sz dere?"

Raph shut the door behind him with his foot. A small candle on the tray brought gentle illumination to the room. "C'mon. Let's getcha sittin' up, Mike."

From the bed, Mike moaned. "I can'd sid up. By blankedsz weigh dwelve donsz. Each." Speaking cost him, and he was wracked with a coughing fit. Raph set the tray down out of the way and waded through the clutter on Mike's floor towards the bed. "Besidesz," Michaelangelo sniffled, "Donnie saidh I wasz under quarandine."

Raphael shrugged. "First off. Donatello kin stuff it. You never left me ta sleep peacefully when I was sick. Thinka this as returnin' the favor." He took hold of Mike's armpits and pulled him upright. Raphael moved the pillows so that they kept his brother that way. "Second, If I let Don an' Leo cook fer yah, you'd be dead within the hour." Satisfied that Mike would not slip back down, Raphael turned and brought over the tray.

Mike's eyes widened. "Raph! I didn'd dink you couldh cookg—nob for real!"

Raphael rolled his eyes. "How hard kin readin' a recipe BE, Mike? Now, shut up an' eat."

"Bud… disz soup… id's an all day recipe. Id dakesz hoursz!" Michaelangelo stared at his brother hard. Raphael had been replaced by a pod person.

"Mike. Shut UP. EAT. An' if you tell a SOUL that I cooked anythin' but RAMEN fer you, I'll break yer face."

Mike smiled at his brother over the soup bowl, much relieved. He spooned carrots and beef cubes into his mouth. "Righd. Disz isz Ramen. Sdupid of me."

"Damn right, stupid of you. Don't you know ramen when you see it?" A hint of a smile quirked the corners of Raphael's mouth. Mikey understood. Good. Raph turned to leave the room, "Oh. An' I left all the dishes an' stuff fer you ta wash when yer better."

Mikey scowled into his soup. This Raphael was definitely his brother. "…danksz, Raph…"


	5. Attempt 005:

_Hey guys! ahhhh, reviews. They are as the meatballs of joy in the spaghetti of my heart. Thank you, **Tripleguess, Reinbeauchaser, Ramica, **and **Mickis**! You've added the non-vegetarian option to my heart. Moo. Really, I am a-twitter! I'm also hopped up on cold-and-flu meds. So my apologies if I've offended by equating your kind words with meat. It seemed apt at the time._

_Yes! **Mickis,** Mary Sue WILL arrive in New York long enough to do something besides die. Promise. As a matter of fact…_

* * *

**Attempt Number 005:**

Mary Sue, Carrie Sue, Sherry Sue, and Terry Sue stepped off the commuter rail and emerged from the subway onto the streets of New York City! The four clones had escaped a top secret lab using only their wits and looks and their ability to make solid constructs from their imaginations like the Green Lantern does with his ring. Each had a favorite color that coincided with not only their mental power color but also their hair. Mary Sue had red hair and red powers. She was always mad, in a rebellious, cool, always right way. Carrie Sue had blue hair and blue powers. She was always nagging and never right about anything b/c if she'd been right, then Mary Sue would have been wrong. Sherry Sue had purple hair and powers. She was really smart, but not smarter than Mary Sue. Terry Sue had orange hair and orange mental powers. She was lots of fun, but everyone liked being with Mary Sue better.

"Let's go THIS WAY!" Carrie Sue exclaimed, pointing to the left in her excitement.

"It would be more logical to check a map first," commented Sherry Sue.

"There's a MCDONALDS over there," squealed Terry Sue. "I'm HUNGRY!"

"You are all stupid. I am going this way, and you had better join me, because the narration says I'm always right." Mary Sue turned on her black, high-heeled combat boots and stalked off in the opposite direction from Carrie Sue.

The other three exchanged glances and nodded once.

Mary Sue was dragged kicking and screaming into a side alleyway where the other three beat her to death with pipes for always treating them like trash.

The other three went on to dye their hair, change their names and after a brief tour of the talk show circuit, each retired to a different state to live happily on the barrels of money that the government paid them to keep them quiet about the top secret lab.

Mary Sue's corpse fed a family of 7 rats for a whole month.

**Attempt Number 005: FAILURE**

**Lesson Number 005:** Just because they're your clones, doesn't mean they like you.

* * *

Meanwhile, back in the lair… 

"So you really think this is a good idea, Donnie?" Mike flipped through his sketch books, looking up for confirmation.

"Are you crazy? This is the best idea EVER." Donatello's fingers flew over the keyboard. "This is exactly what we should have done long. long ago, Mike." He shook his head. "You can't tell me you're not excited with this team up."

Donatello's enthusiasm spread easily, and Michaelangelo smiled back at his brother. "Oh, I'm psyched alright! I jus' didn't realize—I dunno…" Mike shrugged with a goofy grin on his face. "After all the stuff I've busted, I figured the last thing you'd want was me in yer lab."

Donatello rolled his eyes. "Mike. You swore not to touch anything. And I can hardly do this without you. Now… what do you think?" Donatello punched two more keys and spun his desk chair out of the way so Mike could see the computer monitor.

A computer-generated version of the sketches in Mike's lap raced over an obstacle course as deadly as it was beautiful. The timer at the bottom of the screen ticked off the seconds and counted hit-points while the space pirate protagonist grappled with her planet-bound enemies. The sounds rang out as the space pirate's vapor blade clashed against the enemy's rock mace, while the special effects put the finishing touches on the battle.

"DUDE! That's AWESOME!" Mikey bounced in his seat. "They look just like my design sketches, but in 3-D!"

"And this is just the demo mode." Donatello proudly nodded towards the computer. "If you can write up a good back story, and give me more character designs, and some level lay-outs, we've got the makings of quite a video game RPG here!" Donatello buffed his nails on his chest plates. "Between my programming skills and your artist ones—not to mention all your experience with console gaming—we're going to have a VERY marketable game, Mike. If April's willing, we can even go through her to sell this to a game manufacturer. And you know what that means…."

"We kin get one'a those 12-person Jacuzzis!"

Donatello blinked. "Well, I was going to say that we wouldn't have to worry about cash flow. But the Jacuzzi works."


	6. Attempt 006:

_H__a HA! I am unvanquished! The cold had me worried about things, but it all works out in the end. 'Twas merely a mild spot of viral whats-a-majigg. Takes more than that to shut me up! Though to be fair, while I'm not quiet while I'm sick, I'm also generally not saying anything that anyone really wants to listen to… "my throat itches, my toes are numb, buy me more Kleenex, the air tastes of moldy carpets, I want a lozenge, my elbows ache, I've lost my lower lip, someone carry me into the shade, my snots all brown…"_

_BUT! I've better things to talk about now, and my snot is no longer brown. I'm sure you've all breathed a sigh of relief at that._

_Thanks again, going out to my stalwart reviewers. Y'all brighten my day. THANK YOU **TERRAN, CYNLEE, MICKIS, ARTYKIDD, RENE, RELUCTANT DRAGON, TRIPLEGUESS, PACPHYS, **and **DIEDRE!** Y'all are like $2,000 worth of pudding, baby. ; P_

* * *

**Attempt Number 006:**

Fluttering gently as an autumn leaf, Mary Sue set the tips of her satin-slippered feet upon the filthy New York City asphalt. She folded her fairy wings behind her as naturally as she breathed. Turning to her dragon-guardian and best friend and sensei, Mary pointed down the dark crevice between the ancient apartments.

"PooftheMagik-sensei? You want me to go in there? I will find enlightenment and adventure and ultimately, my purpose in life that you trained me for from birth and saved me from that fire that killed my mom and my dad and my sister and my cat and my hampster and all my neighbors for?"

The dragon beamed at Mary. "Yes, my child. Only you can unlock the sacred Filigreed Crumpet of Infinite Prowess! Only YOU can save this doomed world from the Last Scion of the Warbling Darkbeasts of Dark! Go! Adventure awaits!"

Mary Sue tilted her pretty little head to the side. "But aren't the Warbling Darkbeasts of Dark terribly, awfully, powerfully, horribly evil? I heard they maim little girls with fairy wings, eat kittens, leave gum on benches, pulp doves, maim little girls with fairy wings, drink rum and cokes, sell cigarettes to minors and maim little girls with fairy wings. Are you certain this is my quest, PooftheMagik-Sensei? You've only trained me in every known form of combat for about 5 minutes on each."

The Dragon pulled itself up to its full, magnificent height. "Only those who doubt will die! This passage will lead you to kindred spirits who will gladly volunteer to fight and die for you and your cause. Seek them out!"

Bowing from the waist to her dragon-guardian, Mary Sue took this new information to heart and spared no time in darting ahead, ready for her future and her champions. A meaty crack resounded through the alleyway. The dragon winced.

Peering into the alley, PooftheMagik-Sensei sighed with resigned disappointment. Evil warbling carried up the narrow passage.

"Lost another one! Crud. Oh well, if at first you don't succeed, orphan another girl…" The Dragon rendered itself invisible and went off to get a new apprentice.

**Attempt Number 006: FAILURE**

**Lesson Number 006:** Anything that lives as long as a dragon probably does not have your puny, little, mortal interests at heart.

* * *

Meanwhile, back at the lair… 

Leonardo handed Raphael another coke from the fridge before dropping into the sofa next to him. "Yeah, I know what you mean. I want to give them credit, but I do worry how Donnie and Mike'd cope if something happened to one of us."

Raphael grunted in acknowledgement and pulled the tab on his soda. He drained fully half the can, staring dead ahead at the television. Leonardo did not rush him. Raph looked like he was 5,000 miles away, but Leo knew he was considering it. "If we died. An' not a STUPID death… but somebody killed us—they'd have revenge. They'd have somethin' ta' blame besides themselves. But if one'a us died DUMB?" Raphael shook his head and belched. "Hell, if ANY of us died DUMB the rest'a us'd be completely lost fer a good long time."

Leo's brow furrowed. "Dying Dumb?"

Raph shrugged and gestured at the television where some home video showed a kid nearly castrating his father with a weed whacker. "You know… one'a us gets food poisoning. 'Er one'a us gets plowed over by a subway train. Somethin' completely without any fault but our own—an' somethin' where there's no dignity." Raphael considered for a moment. "Yeah. Don't matter WHICH'a us got drowned by fallin' asleep in the tub… Mikey an' Don'd not be the only ones flipped out."

Leonardo frowned. "You can't drown by falling asleep in the tub, Raph. That can only happen with unattended infants and paralysis victims. You've got enough muscle to sit up when your head slips under water."

Raphael rolled his eyes. "Bad example, sue me."

Leonardo nodded, agreeing on that point. "I don't think a foolish death would be the worst though. Have you ever considered that 'something happening' to one of us might not be death? If one or more of us were to become seriously wounded—crippled? Can you imagine the strain on the family if—"

Raphael cut into Leo's rambling worry. "LEO! Jeez. Git'a GRIP. Mike'd tell ya that ain't gonna happen cause we're the best. Which is bull. Stuff happens, no matter who you are. Don'd point out that we're actually overdue fer something like that. Splinter'd have you meditate on it—but I'm tellin' you somethin'. You worryin' about everything that ain't happened yet? No wonder yer bald. You got ulcers yet?"

"Surely being prepared is better than not, Raphael. I know it's unpleasant to consider, but if we only think about it when forced to by the situation, we may not make the most rational decisions."

"Again with the negative—shut UP, already, Leo. Look. I hate thinkin' about this kinda crap. You know that. My take? We roll with it. We always have. Stuff'd suck fer a while, but we'd figure it out. Mike, Don, Sensei… they'd all find their feet eventually, ya'know?"

Leonardo sighed and laid his head back on the wall behind the sofa. "Right. I just—wouldn't want them to have to, you know?"

Raphael nodded in agreement, his eyes still trained on the TV. "Me neither, bro. Me neither."


	7. Attempt 007:

**Author's note:** _S'been a while! Sorry about the lull, but i guess i'm one of those folks who has to walk away from stuff for a while in order to keep juiced about it. But yes! Writing! Here we go! (And thanks for the nomination to the fan fic awards--and DOUBLE thanks to the folks who have reviewed my work!)

* * *

_

**Attempt Number 007:**

Mary Sue gave up on making a spectacular entrance to the bustling metropolis of New York City. She opted, instead, to have been born there. This, however, did not make life easier for Mary Sue! No, the poor thing was an orphan. She was shuttled from foster home to foster home: beaten, misused, misunderstood, punished, beaten, beaten, given a basic education so that she would not complicate the plot by not being able to read, beaten, and beaten again.

She imagined that a life of suffering made her the perfect fledgling phoenix—she would rise from the ashes of her past, radiating glory and beauty! So she waited, running away from home in half-hearted attempts to stumble into a family that would take care of all her problems for her. She packed no food, saved no money, and generally walked right back to the abusive foster home when the weather got too cold.

Without the benefit of psychological counseling, and made stubborn by a perverse need to have herself rescued and not actually attempt to improve her situation by reporting the abusive string of foster parents to the police, Mary Sue deteriorated. The harsh reality of being starved, degraded, and physically and emotionally broken proved too much.

When she was finally turned out by her last foster family on her 18th birthday, she lived on the street for months. False hopes of a rescuer and a divine intervention only sustained her misery. After nearly freezing to death, she gave up and sought real employment.

With her mental and physical damage from her traumatic childhood and her minimal education, she could only secure work at the local Goodwill store. Struggling and alone, with only years and years of the same to look forward to, Mary Sue eventually jumped in front of a commuter rail train, blaming the heroes that never showed up for her miserable life.

**Attempt Number 007: FAILURE**

**Lesson Number 007: **Sometimes you need to be your own hero.

* * *

Meanwhile, back at the lair…

Leonardo could not help the smile tugging on the corners of his mouth. Michaelangelo had not noticed his presence yet. It was truly a sight for the record books. Mike sat on the floor of the dojo, surrounded by dusty books and tattered scrolls. Leo's grin broke through at the look of shear concentration on Mike's face, but Leo laughed out loud when the tip of Mike's tongue stuck out of the corner of his mouth.

"Wah!" Mike nearly jumped out of his shell. The lair was empty! Well, obviously not anymore. Leonardo leaned with a smile in the doorway to the dojo. Mike felt his cheeks warm with embarrassment. Ninjas don't get snuck up on—especially by brothers who were clearly not trying to sneak up on them. "Heh. How long you been standin' there?"

"Long enough. I didn't think you were into this kind of thing." Leo gestured vaguely. He did not want to offend Mike, but studying anything besides video game hint books seemed unusual.

Mike rolled his eyes. "What? 'This' like, reading? Or 'This' like, being in the dojo when it's not practice time?"

Leo shrugged, Raphael may be the touchy brother, but he knew Mike well enough to read the tension that sprang up in his shoulders. Leo raised his hands in front of him. "I come in peace! Really. I meant, 'This', as in studying what looks to be…" Leo got closer and squatted down next to Mike amid the pile of books and scrolls, "Martial arts diagrams. Not in English either." Leo settled in, bumping his shell on Mike's as he sat with his back to Mike's side.

Michaelangelo grinned. "Okay. You got me there." As quickly as Mike had braced for ridicule, he relaxed again. Leo wasn't going to rib him about this. He didn't comment on the scrolls though. "So. I thought you guys were all at April's for the night. Don for fixing the hot water heater, with you and Raph for heavy lifting." Mike flipped open a dingy book with browned pages and stared at the diagram.

Leonardo unrolled a fragile looking scroll. "Are these all Splinter's?" he mumbled. "Huh? Oh yes. But Don's finished, Sensei and April are having a 'chick-flick' marathon, and Raphael lost a bet, so he's stuck there for all of it as well. I think Don stayed just to study the effects of that much televised estrogen on our brother."

Mike guffawed. "RAPHAEL. Is stuck watching 'chick-flicks' with Sensei and April?"

Leo's grin was one of unmistakable triumph. "Yup." The paper in front of him showed the outline of a man with points marked on his body. Each point had a line out to the margin, where a string of kanji characters explained the damage that resulted from a sharp blow to each point. They all looked lethal. Leo's smile dimmed and he shot Mike a look out of the corner of his eye. "What brings all this up, Mike?… This stuff. It looks like it's all acupuncture, moxibustion, and martial arts strike points."

Mike wound down quickly, the unasked question about Raph's lost bet died in his mouth. "Leo? Promise yer not gonna think I'm morbid 'er nothing." Leonardo frowned but nodded. Why would his sunny little brother suddenly be studying lethal points and killing strokes? Leonardo's natural ability to worry kicked into overdrive. Mike continued after a deep breath. "So. Don's our medic, right? But Splinter's always there with his teas and his soothing massages and stuff. Don sets bones and sews us up, but Sensei—I know you remember when we were little and Don didn't know half enough to patch us up. Splinter always knew right where to poke or put pressure to make the hurting stop. An' it occurred ta me, that none of the rest of us KNOW that. We already know the killing strikes, and where to hit to do damage to internal organs, but didn't Sensei always say that 'To know poisons is to know medicines?'"

Leonardo just stared at his little brother. Mike was trying to learn the Master's brand of healing from these charts? "Mike…I…"

Michaelangelo ducked his head a bit. "It's silly, but Sensei won't be with us ALWAYS. An' we're trying to learn everything else he knows. It seemed a waste to only learn the stuff that hurts people. I talked to Sensei about it, an' tomorrow he's gonna start teaching some of it during practice. Heh. I guess I was just curious though. So I thought I'd see what I could figure out for myself. He said it'd be okay. That he'd make sure I had privacy. Guess he figured you weren't gonna rib me about this too hard." Mike cast a side-long glance at Leo.

"Michaelangelo…I…" Leonardo shut his mouth and looked across all the books before turning back to his little brother. "You have the greatest ideas sometimes!" Leo's smile and admiration flicked a switch in his little brother, because suddenly Mike was beaming!

"You really think so! Aw, thanks! Lookit! I think I figured something out, gimme your hand!" Mike had already snagged Leonardo's arm and was squinting at charts, poking spots near the crook of his arm.

"Ouch. Ouch. Hm. Yeah. Okay." The tension Leonardo hadn't known was there drained out of his neck. "Was that supposed to relax my neck?"

"Uh… No. It was supposed to make your liver function better." Mike consulted the books again. "Oh! Right here! I get it!"

Chuckling, Leonardo suffered himself to be prodded until well after midnight.


End file.
